I’ve always been with P.J. O’Rourke when it comes to party politics – I strongly believe that there should be one party that holds my peculiar mixture of views, and another that holds the exact opposite. That would make election time a breeze. Things aren’t quite so simple where I live.
Through quirk of genetics and history, I live in Northern Ireland/The North/Tayto Nation. A country with more politicians per square mile than any other nation on Earth, an absurdly grand legislative building that would have looked a bit garish if had sat the government of the Ottoman Empire, and a percentage of the population working for the Government that would have made the East Germans choke. And yet for all the trappings of politics, it is a country with no discenible politics whatsoever.
Every party has only one policy; the border. To make things simpler, every party has exactly the same policy on the border. The details are a bit hazy; something to do with leaving everything the way it is, until the people that want to move it have more babies than the people that want to leave it where it is. Or something like that. There are a few, apparently, who believe that they can move the border by maiming police officers and shooting pizza delivery men. Everyone hopes these people will go away, and soon.
It is convenient that every party has one identical policy, as there appears to be no discenible way of removing any of them from office. For example, you might think that the minister responsible for your children’s education should be more switched on than, say, an aubergine with “11+ = bad” written on it in felt-tip marker. You might think that if enough like minded souls felt the same way, you could kick the aubergine out of office. Not here in Tayto Nation.
There’s something about election time that brings out the baseless optimism in everyone, though. Especially when, accross the water, they seem to be having the most interesting election in moons. The amusing idea that a hated government could end up coming third in the popular vote briefly brought a microscopic flicker of joy, before I realised that the gerrymandered 4,252 safe Labour seats in Sinkestate North (electorate : 5) would mean they could win anyway. Over here, the spectre of pointless political violence and the return of the sectarian carve-up/pissing contest fooled everyone into thinking it was 1992, providing Rage Against the Machine with an unexpected return to the popular music charts.
Civic duty calls, however. I decided to take a look at each party’s manifesto in turn and decide who was worthy of my vote. I was sure that given these unprecedented times, every party would have bold and brave suggestions for reducing the deficit and the subvention, not afraid to take on spending decreases and tax rises to get us out of the financial black hole, along with a relentless focus on creating growth and creating jobs.
Alliance Party of Northern Ireland
The policies themselves seemed to be of a similar vintage to their web design. With remarkable chutzpah, their first key policy commitment was “exempt Northern Ireland from cuts”, and their second “a lower rate of Corporation Tax”. Uh-huh. Their fourth was “rebalance the Northern Ireland economy away from an over-reliance on the public sector”, a noble idea, but as about compatible with the first two as if Issac Asimov’s new fourth law of robotics was “Robots can do whatever they want”.
Alongside the content-free “push a reform agenda for public services”, there is the grammatically dubious “Working a Single Equality Act” and the surely past its sell-by-date “supporting a power-sharing coalition”.
To be fair, it does go on to talk some sense, saying that 70% of our local economy is attributable to the public sector (essentially making us a cold, miserable Cuba) and that 40% of public spending is dole from London. What do they say we should do it about it? Not much. They do get points for saying that we should introduce water charges, but it’s much like a couple poring through the household bills, seeing that they are about to become bankrupt, and one of them suggesting that they could get a new BMW rather than a new Porsche. They are aware of the problems, but know that the solutions will make them unpopular, so why not let London foist them on us?
Rating : 4/10
In summary : Let’s worry about everything tomorrow
Democratic Unionist Party
The DUP, on the other hand, have a perfectly serviceable website and a sexy manifesto, it looks the part and features predominantly that lion-esque logo they use, which is ace. Their two headline-grabbing policies are a tad odd. “Build prosperity through improved political institutions” raises the eyebrow as much as “Cooking eggs through leaving them on radiators” would, and “frontloading services for the first few years of life” is world-class baloney. Do they mean they want infants to go to university, marriage guidance counselling and nursing homes before they start school? I don’t know if this is the sort of thing I, as a father-to-be, approve of.
Dig below the flashy design, though, and the policy detail is very hard to discern. The economy section is a mess. It appears to be a collection of random phrases, the gist of which seems to be “we should have a better economy”. It veers between the economically dubious “a savings culture must be re-established at a macro level” (do they mean investment?), to the plainly silly “cutting VAT for construction ... to encourage revenue for the treasury”. If they think they have found some new and astonishing way of applying the Laffer curve to VAT on the local construction trade, they should say so. Otherwise one might be tempted to conclude they are, in fact, talking bollocks.
It gets better. The “Business” section actually made me cough tea up my nose. Apparently, they want to harness Northern Ireland’s “world-class infrastructure”. Hmmm. Do they mean the Larne rail line? The motorway to Dungannon? The non-operational shipyards? The monopolised utilities providers? Even more fun was the ambitious desire to “enhance” one of Northern Ireland’s most notable characteristics; its geographical location close to both the USA and Europe. I really don’t know how one might go about that.
The rest of the manifesto is a glossy shopping list of more things that they would like to spend your hard earned tax payments on. They stick the boot in to Irish-language education, as you might expect, and also to integrated eduction, which is more of a surprise. They barely mention the economic crisis that everyone else in politics, anywhere in the world, seems to be interested in.
Rating : 2/10
In summary : Less ideas than a magic eight ball stuck on “Ask again later”
Sinn Féin
You can tell that times have changed when the Shinners headline campaign pledge is “20 new trains”. That’s good. Mundane, boring, good stuff. I wonder if there was any debate in the camp between those who wanted 10 and those who wanted, say, 30. Republican feuds sure ain’t what they used to be, eh? No wonder journalists get so bored.
An end to the Separation Wall between Israel and Palestine gets in there, though, in a nod to times gone past. Without getting into the ins and outs of that particular hornets’ nest, I’m not sure that this is the sort of thing that should be in a manifesto. Isn’t a manifesto things you would do if you win the election, and not just a list of nice things you would like to see happen, anywhere?
The economy does get a mention, eventually, on page 43. They re-iterate that Northern Ireland should join the Euro (hmmm), and attack NAMA (the Republic’s bad bank). The deficit, fiscal policy and anything else of substance is notable by its complete absence. They don’t even pay lip service to the idea of encouraging private sector growth, it is just a very long list of things they want to spend taxpayer’s money on. It has the reasoned analysis and fiscal responsibility of a child’s letter to Santa.
Rating : 0/10
In summary : Big Issue, please
Social Democratic and Labour Party
Fatigue had set in by this point. Manifestos merge into each other, meaningless guff from one party looks much like it for the previous four.
This was typical SDLP. A lot of nice, warm words, fluffiness and reasonable sounding demands for this, that and the other. On the need for complete overhaul of the local economy and the need for a shift away from the bloated public sector to a real, private sector led recovery, they had nothing to say at all. A search for the word “cuts” only found example where they were going to fight cuts, not suggesting them. They did have a section on how they wanted to encourage job growth, but it was lean on meat.
There isn’t much to criticise here, everything sounds very reasonable. The problem is, however reasonable and nice you come across, an unfunded wish list is still just that. There is no fresh thinking here, just exactly what you’d expect from a party that doesn’t know who it is or what is stands for. There is a large constituency of centre-right nationalists in Northern Ireland, and they should be making a play for these people. This is just... crap.
Rating: 3/10
In summary : Low expectations, and they don’t even meet these
Traditional Unionist Voice
As a wise man once said, “all of this has happened before, and all of this will happen again”. The TUV are the newest in a long line of unionist breakaway parties that appear every few years. Being new on the block, and having no idea what a traditional voice sounds like, I have no idea what their policies are on anything, although I’m sure I could guess a few. I cracked open the pdf.
After the snorefest of the SDLP, this is more fun immediately. “Prudence in public finances” seems like a sensible thing to have in a manifesto, but two of the three policies are “fighting for farming” and “defending our fishermen”. Are we under attack? Are they proposing a agricultural militia? We need to know!
The whole power-sharing executive gets a lot of airtime, as you would expect. The wording is a little suspect, though. Opposing Sinn Féin 24/7 sounds exhausting, given how tedious merely reading their manifesto for ten minutes was. It also brought to mind the 24/7 rule of the now-retired WWE Hardcore Championship, bringing on visions of Jim Allister becoming Deputy First Minister after pinning Martin McGuinness while he slept. They also want to “defeat IRA murder”. One gets what they mean, although I was taught at school only one man has been able to defeat murder with any degree of success.
“Children before Dogma” is a curious policy, “Making health better” seems a little obvious (the party that vows to make health worse is not going to do very well). Ditto “sensible on climate change”, unless the electorate was comprised of Bond-villains (we will make the climate silly!). The winner goes to “using a hung parliament”, which is just brilliant.
In fairness, once the manifesto begins properly they make some interesting points. The absenteeism and proposterous expense claims of Sinn Féin and the DUP are highlighted and their records ripped to shreds. Jim Allister’s respectable record as an MEP is highlighted (i.e. he actually showed up).
I am astonished to say this, but the economic policy section of the manifesto is magnificent. It contains facts, figures, lays into the public sector non-jobs that we have in abundance and says that we need more midwives and less pen pushers in the NHS. It advocates a flat tax rate and the lifting of the poorest in society out of the tax system altogether. It advocates light touch regulation of small businesses and emphasizes that high tax economies do not grow. This is good stuff! I really want to stop now!
Oh dear. I barely got through three pages of the bile that comprise most of the rest of the manifesto. Particularly repugnant was the suggestion that a vote for any party other than the TUV was somehow turning a blind eye to the murder of Robert McCartney (page 21). That is an astonishingly offensive thing to put in a manifesto for a party running for national office. Disgusting.
Rating: N/A
In summary : I still can’t believe they wrote that
Ulster Conservatives and Unionists – New Force
http://www.voteforchangeni.com/
After the angsty retro hatred of the TUV manifesto, the relative calm of the troubled partnership between the UUP and the Tories. Many will feel that UCUNF’s decision to let Fermanagh and South Tyrone degenerate into a sectarian big willy contest has irreparably harmed their claims of being a centre right party for everyone.
However, it starts well. Earnest, black and white photos of the two leaders, are followed by an earnest introduction that puts the deficit squarely at centre. They want to move away from the dependency culture and have change coming from below. This is good.
Professionals have written this, and it shows. Specific problems are matched with specific solutions, and obviously mirrors the Tory manifesto in Great Britain. The details, at this point, were beginning to get fuzzy after a marathon manifesto reading evening. The reality is, I know this manifesto contains uncosted promises and doesn’t reveal the whole severity of the situation. But it tries. It isn’t a long wish list of things that Northern Ireland parties want money thrown at. It’s written by grown-ups, and aimed at them too.
Rating : 6/10
In summary : Best of the bunch policy wise. Shot themselves in the foot in F&ST.
Summary
Civic responsibility is tiring, and mostly pretty boring, too. The bread and butter of politics after civil conflict is new to most of the parties here, and it shows. I have been astonished at the disconnect between the priorities of the local parties here and the priorities of the parties in Britain, the Republic and elsewhere. Simply, just putting a list of all the things you would like to have someone else pay for doesn’t cut the mustard any more. Get real.
So, who am I voting for? Well, it’s a private ballot. But if there is a write-in for “Ron Paul”, I may have something do to with it.
Best manifesto : UCUNF
Biggest disappointment : SDLP
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